I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet.
[I'm] more German than Irish. - Bill Burr
[I'm] more German than Irish.
- Bill Burr
We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be… - Bill Burr
We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be…
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall… - Bill Burr
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall…
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure. - Bill Burr
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich? - Bill Burr
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog. - Bill Burr
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers - Bill Burr
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added p… - Bill Burr
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added p…
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. - Bill Burr
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
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