I look at the newspapers, and I cannot believe most of the stories I read. Bernie Madoff, who actually screwed millions of people for billions of dol…

- Alan Abel

Even with clothing naked animals, there were people who wanted to send in money. A woman in Santa Barbara, California, sent a $40,000 check. I fondle…

- Alan Abel

We're a nation of sheep. If you go out and look up at the sky, people around you will start looking up at the sky.

- Alan Abel

I once recommended [in a San Francisco Chronicle column] that a third arm - a plastic arm - be sewn at the base of the spine so that people could hav…

- Alan Abel

My credibility is zero. My wife claims she can go before any judge at any time and have me committed.

- Alan Abel