I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. - Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. - Emo Philips
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. - Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. - Emo Philips
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead … - Emo Philips
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead …
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g… - Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g…
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. - Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo… - Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo…
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