I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

- Joan Rivers

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

- Joan Rivers

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

- Joan Rivers

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

- Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

- Joan Rivers

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

- Joan Rivers

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

- Joan Rivers

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

- Joan Rivers