The pilgrims were kicked out of England, quarreled with the Dutch, alienated the Indians, and had an evil reputation among the turkeys.

- Dave Beard

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

- Dave Beard

Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since.

- Dave Beard

I've been smoking nearly 50 years now. I just don't feel safe breathing anything I can't see!

- Dave Beard

Spooky wild and gusty; swirling dervishes of rattling leaves race by, fleeing the windflung deadwood that cracks and thumps behind.

- Dave Beard

The clocks are all turned forward from Funny Time to Right Time. I always remember, "Spring back or Fall in.

- Dave Beard

Before men ever wrote in clay they cast their words in verse and line, rythymbound in poets' minds, defying time and age.

- Dave Beard

Do you suppose it's true, that St. Patrick was a parselmouth, and his muggle friends never knew?

- Dave Beard

The Olympic games should be a matter between individual athletes and the gods. Noisy flag-waving dishonors gods and men alike.

- Dave Beard