If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

- Greg Fitzsimmons

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

- Greg Fitzsimmons

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. …

- Greg Fitzsimmons

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time gettin…

- Greg Fitzsimmons

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

- Greg Fitzsimmons

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

- Greg Fitzsimmons

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get…

- Greg Fitzsimmons

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

- Greg Fitzsimmons

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

- Greg Fitzsimmons