My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.

- Robert Benchley

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

- Robert Benchley

What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party--any party at all--until it is all over and the lightsare being put out?.…

- Robert Benchley

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

- Robert Benchley

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

- Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

- Robert Benchley

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

- Robert Benchley

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there w…

- Robert Benchley

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

- Robert Benchley