Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. - Billy Connolly
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
- Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. - Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated even… - Billy Connolly
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated even…
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! - Billy Connolly
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand. - Billy Connolly
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh. - Billy Connolly
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" - Billy Connolly
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you … - Billy Connolly
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you …
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. - Billy Connolly
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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