If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.

- Chelsea Peretti

Sometimes when Im nervous, thats when the most interesting things happen.

- Chelsea Peretti

I only do private room karaoke where its just me and one of my closest girlfriends. My mom always said I could really belt songs out, and the Dixie C…

- Chelsea Peretti

I feel like women are frequently seen as guests in the comedy world - you know, a kid sister of the “real comedians”. I like the idea of positioning …

- Chelsea Peretti

Its really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, I usually dont like female comedians, but your material is great…

- Chelsea Peretti

Im Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

- Chelsea Peretti

Why are old maps always burnt?

- Chelsea Peretti

Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?

- Chelsea Peretti

On tour, its either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. Youre just looking for any proof that youre not completely alone.

- Chelsea Peretti