If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening righ…

- Christian Finnegan

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

- Christian Finnegan

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

- Christian Finnegan

Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Him…

- Christian Finnegan

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - …

- Christian Finnegan

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

- Christian Finnegan

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

- Christian Finnegan

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's …

- Christian Finnegan

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

- Christian Finnegan