Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

- Jeph Jacques

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

- Jeph Jacques

You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.

- Jeph Jacques

'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

- Jeph Jacques

Your whole life people tell you to do what you love. But if you gotta do something else to pay the bills, you don't automatically have to be miserabl…

- Jeph Jacques

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

- Jeph Jacques

If only corporal punishment cured low self-esteem.

- Jeph Jacques

The TV Tropes QC page is every single idiotic comment from my forums distilled into one HTML document.

- Jeph Jacques

That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of…

- Jeph Jacques