I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.

- Kumail Nanjiani

I thought of America as this crazy, happy, exciting place where everybody's rich and there's stuff everywhere. Compared to Pakistan, it's not untrue.

- Kumail Nanjiani

We only hear success stories. You don't hear about the hundreds and hundreds - the overwhelming majority that don't go anywhere. This is a more reali…

- Kumail Nanjiani

You really need to have that discipline. It's not even discipline. I just put down these rules. It's not like a vague, 'Motivate yourself!' and do so…

- Kumail Nanjiani

I think being funny had something to do with feeling like an outsider, not feeling cool - insecurity.

- Kumail Nanjiani

The whole religion of Islam is based on reward and punishment and reward and punishment, and it becomes a part of how you think of everything. Even y…

- Kumail Nanjiani

I was extremely shy and had a terrible fear of public speaking. But I had fallen in love with stand-up.

- Kumail Nanjiani

The plan was always to come to America, because Pakistan's a scary place. They don't have religious freedom. It's very poor, and there's a lot of vio…

- Kumail Nanjiani

Just because you saw a vampire doesn't mean that a snowman or a Loch Ness Monster also exists.

- Kumail Nanjiani