I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.

- Amy Schumer

I just want to get the most money I can.

- Amy Schumer

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three y…

- Amy Schumer

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

- Amy Schumer

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly abou…

- Amy Schumer

I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

- Amy Schumer

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

- Amy Schumer

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

- Amy Schumer

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wo…

- Amy Schumer