One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

- Leslie Nielsen

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

- Leslie Nielsen

I'm a professional actor. If I was a plumber, I wouldn't just do my plumbing in Beverly Hills bathrooms; I'd like to install air conditioning units a…

- Leslie Nielsen

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

- Leslie Nielsen

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

- Leslie Nielsen

It's not really that I've been an advocate for hearing aids for a long time, it's just that I've been losing my hearing for a long time! So it's actu…

- Leslie Nielsen

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

- Leslie Nielsen

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

- Leslie Nielsen

I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

- Leslie Nielsen