You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy…

- Laurie Notaro

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges …

- Laurie Notaro

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

- Laurie Notaro

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

- Laurie Notaro

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

- Laurie Notaro

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

- Laurie Notaro

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

- Laurie Notaro

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover …

- Laurie Notaro

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to k…

- Laurie Notaro