I'm not getting married until gay people can get married. Because I'm gay.

- Harris Wittels

I hate smoking sections. Unless we're talking about the movie 'The Mask' with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part.

- Harris Wittels

What's up? I'm Harris. I'm 33 years young. I have my cousin Jason's truck for two more weeks. I have one testicle-whack a mole accident-and I'm d…

- Harris Wittels

Wheat Thins? Call me when they're Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

- Harris Wittels

I think all Internet comments should be disengaged. But I kind of live and die by it. It's completely irresistible. It's not like comedy. When I do a…

- Harris Wittels

I'm very reactive, I think. I'm down to throw down with people. Online, of course. Not in person.

- Harris Wittels

I wanna open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Morning to Ja.

- Harris Wittels