Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

- Craig Ferguson

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

- Craig Ferguson

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

- Craig Ferguson

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does…

- Craig Ferguson

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

- Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

- Craig Ferguson

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

- Craig Ferguson

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who s…

- Craig Ferguson

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

- Craig Ferguson