I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. - Emo Philips
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. - Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. - Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead … - Emo Philips
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead …
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. - Emo Philips
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g… - Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay g…
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. - Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo… - Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to fo…
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