Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all…

- Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my exis…

- Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

- Bill Bailey

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

- Bill Bailey

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

- Bill Bailey

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusi…

- Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

- Bill Bailey

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

- Bill Bailey

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

- Bill Bailey