I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

- Melvin Helitzer

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

- Melvin Helitzer

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make…

- Melvin Helitzer

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

- Melvin Helitzer

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

- Melvin Helitzer

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

- Melvin Helitzer

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

- Melvin Helitzer