The speeches to be wary of are those that begin with I'm just going to say a few words.

- Frank Muir

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

- Frank Muir

The golden rule when reading the menu is, if you cannot pronounce it, you cannot afford it.

- Frank Muir

The glances over cocktails That seem to be so sweet Don't seem quite so amorous Over Shredded Wheat

- Frank Muir

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner. Tactics is getting her to drink it.

- Frank Muir

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.

- Frank Muir

Hotel tea is when you have to mix together a plastic envelope containing too much sugar, a small plastic pot of something which is not milk but has c…

- Frank Muir

A golf ball is white, dimpled like a bishop's knees, and is the size of small mandarin oranges or those huge pills which vets blow down the throats o…

- Frank Muir

Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like uncon…

- Frank Muir