Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

- Scott Dikkers

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

- Scott Dikkers

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

- Scott Dikkers

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a …

- Scott Dikkers

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventu…

- Scott Dikkers

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

- Scott Dikkers

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

- Scott Dikkers

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

- Scott Dikkers

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pe…

- Scott Dikkers