When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

- Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

- Red Buttons

George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons

Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!

- Red Buttons