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Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'

Bill Maher
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Bill Maher's Popular Quotes

Even somebody like Bill Clinton, who I happen to admire very much, the second he was out of office, I remember, he was interview in Rolling Stone and…

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If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

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Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

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At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.

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The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.

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So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about …

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Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.

- Bill Maher
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