All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

- Bob Hope

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

- Bob Hope

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

- Bob Hope

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

- Bob Hope

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

- Bob Hope

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

- Bob Hope

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

- Bob Hope

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

- Bob Hope

It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.

- Bob Hope