I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

- Russell Howard

The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!

- Russell Howard

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

- Russell Howard

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you …

- Russell Howard

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

- Russell Howard

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you…

- Russell Howard

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

- Russell Howard

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

- Russell Howard

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

- Russell Howard