The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

- Jim Gaffigan

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

- Jim Gaffigan

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

- Jim Gaffigan

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

- Jim Gaffigan

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

- Jim Gaffigan

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in wate…

- Jim Gaffigan

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. T…

- Jim Gaffigan

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's …

- Jim Gaffigan

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

- Jim Gaffigan