Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.

- Gabriel Iglesias

You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.

- Gabriel Iglesias

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

- Gabriel Iglesias

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

- Gabriel Iglesias

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

- Gabriel Iglesias

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

- Gabriel Iglesias

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

- Gabriel Iglesias

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

- Gabriel Iglesias

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

- Gabriel Iglesias