If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money.…

- Stephen Colbert

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

- Stephen Colbert

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

- Stephen Colbert

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

- Stephen Colbert

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

- Stephen Colbert

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

- Stephen Colbert

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

- Stephen Colbert

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

- Stephen Colbert

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've go…

- Stephen Colbert