Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

- Louis C. K.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

- Louis C. K.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

- Louis C. K.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

- Louis C. K.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

- Louis C. K.

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’

- Louis C. K.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most import…

- Louis C. K.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

- Louis C. K.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

- Louis C. K.