My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

- Elayne Boosler

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the…

- Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,…

- Elayne Boosler

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

- Elayne Boosler

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike…

- Elayne Boosler

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

- Elayne Boosler

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

- Elayne Boosler

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

- Elayne Boosler

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

- Elayne Boosler