I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. - Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
- Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. - Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. - Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards. - Demetri Martin
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. - Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. - Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. - Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. - Demetri Martin
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
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