Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

- Richard Jeni

I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're…

- Richard Jeni

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type i…

- Richard Jeni

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocr…

- Richard Jeni

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she…

- Richard Jeni

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensiti…

- Richard Jeni

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

- Richard Jeni

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

- Richard Jeni

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

- Richard Jeni