In fact, with Michael Jackson, I think those mourning people... They aren't even waking Michael, they're waking the Michael Jackson of '84. They neve…

- Bobcat Goldthwait

Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought th…

- Bobcat Goldthwait

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.

- Bobcat Goldthwait

Quit everything until you find something that you just cannot quit.

- Bobcat Goldthwait

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn c…

- Bobcat Goldthwait

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that's who I am.

- Bobcat Goldthwait

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

- Bobcat Goldthwait

Kurt (Cobain) was a fan of my standup, which was pretty weird. I know when people hear that, it's kind of like finding out that Jimi Hendrix really l…

- Bobcat Goldthwait

If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.

- Bobcat Goldthwait