Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

- Karl Pilkington

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

- Karl Pilkington

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

- Karl Pilkington

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

- Karl Pilkington

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

- Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

- Karl Pilkington

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

- Karl Pilkington

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

- Karl Pilkington

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

- Karl Pilkington