Things don't exist until they exist.

- John Mulaney

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

- John Mulaney

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

- John Mulaney

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

- John Mulaney

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

- John Mulaney

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

- John Mulaney

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

- John Mulaney

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

- John Mulaney

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

- John Mulaney