So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look l…

- Robert Schimmel

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if tha…

- Robert Schimmel

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

- Robert Schimmel

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

- Robert Schimmel

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

- Robert Schimmel

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was tr…

- Robert Schimmel

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

- Robert Schimmel

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Ye…

- Robert Schimmel

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

- Robert Schimmel