Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

- Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

- Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

- Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

- Rodney Dangerfield