The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

- Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

- Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

- Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.

- Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

- Milton Berle

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

- Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

- Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-…

- Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

- Milton Berle