Kids; 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery

- Tom Arnold

Women; can't live with em, can't kill em

- Tom Arnold

My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more.

- Tom Arnold

Environmentalists have a very conflicted relationship with their cars.

- Tom Arnold

The difference between one man and another is not mere ability... it is energy.

- Tom Arnold

Any time your head explodes, that's not a good situation.

- Tom Arnold

The nature of show business is people within the business feel that if someone else fails, they move up a notch.

- Tom Arnold

If you want to make a substantial reduction in your carbon footprint, doing it on your own is virtually impossible, especially if you're driving a ca…

- Tom Arnold

Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right - they are the dumbest team in America.

- Tom Arnold