I enjoy doing nothing.

- Jeffrey Bernard

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, co…

- Jeffrey Bernard

When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find every day once I could smoke, drink a…

- Jeffrey Bernard

I have stood in a bar in Lambourn and been offered, in the space of five minutes, a poached salmon, a leg of a horse, a free trip to Chantilly, marri…

- Jeffrey Bernard

My misdeeds are accidental happenings and merely the result of having been in the wrong bar or bed at the wrong time, say most days between midday an…

- Jeffrey Bernard

The more necessary it becomes to stop drinking, the more impossible it becomes to stop.

- Jeffrey Bernard

Oh, to me not drinking is like being dead, almost. I sit here taking endless journeys down memory lane. It gets boring.

- Jeffrey Bernard

What a pity people don't take as much trouble with their own breeding as intelligent racehorse owners do. But then I suppose it is bordering on fasci…

- Jeffrey Bernard

Journalism is the only thinkable alternative to working.

- Jeffrey Bernard