Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

- Albert Brooks

Your spouse should be just attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

- Albert Brooks

Getting older is a lot of fun. Right up there with chewing glass or putting your hand in a blender.

- Albert Brooks

When I die, if the word 'thong' appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

- Albert Brooks

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

- Albert Brooks

If anything happens to me, tell every woman I've ever gone with I was talking about her at the end. That way, they'll have to reevaluate me.

- Albert Brooks

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?

- Albert Brooks

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's …

- Albert Brooks

A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

- Albert Brooks