I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

- Finley Peter Dunne

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

- Finley Peter Dunne

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

- Finley Peter Dunne

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.

- Finley Peter Dunne

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

- Finley Peter Dunne

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

- Finley Peter Dunne

No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite…

- Finley Peter Dunne

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

- Finley Peter Dunne

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.

- Finley Peter Dunne