It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. - Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
- Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. - Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. - Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards. - Demetri Martin
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. - Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. - Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. - Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. - Demetri Martin
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
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