You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

- David Letterman

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

- David Letterman

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

- David Letterman

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

- David Letterman

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

- David Letterman

There just isn't enough televised Chess

- David Letterman

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

- David Letterman

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

- David Letterman

Everyday is a compromise.

- David Letterman