It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have p…

- Robert Schimmel

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look l…

- Robert Schimmel

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.…

- Robert Schimmel

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Ye…

- Robert Schimmel

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was tr…

- Robert Schimmel

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

- Robert Schimmel

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if tha…

- Robert Schimmel

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

- Robert Schimmel

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

- Robert Schimmel