Quotes on Funny Sarcastic

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.