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My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

These hormones still belong to the physiologist and to the clinical investigator as much as, if not more than, to the practicing physician. But as Professor Starling said many years ago, 'The physiology of today is the medicine of tomorrow'.

Medicine is a science which hath been (as we have said) more professed than laboured, and yet more laboured than advanced: the labour having been, in my judgment, rather in circle than in progression. For I find much iteration, but small addition. It considereth causes of diseases, with the occasions or impulsions; the diseases themselves, with the accidents; and the cures, with the preservation.

And it has been sarcastically said, that there is a wide difference between a good physician and a bad one, but a small difference between a good physician and no physician at all; by which it is meant to insinuate, that the mischievous officiousness of art does commonly more than counterbalance any benefit derivable from it.

The most indispensable qualification of a cook is punctuality. The same must be said of guests.

I have said to you to speak the truth is a painful thing. To be forced to tell lies is much worse.

As Joel said, there's a bit more licence to attack over here, whereas the NRL is a bit more grinding-type football.

What is said in James 2:14 ff. is like a two-coupon train or bus ticket. One coupon says, "Not good if detached" and the other says, "Not good for passage". Works are not good for passage; but faith detached from works is not saving faith.

Our great need is not ardour to save man but courage to face God - courage to face God with our soul as it is, and with our Saviour as He is; to face God always thus, and so to win the power which saves and services man more than any other power can. We can never fully say "My brother!" till we have heartily said "My God!", and we can never heartily say "My God!" till we have humbly said "My Guilt!" That is the root of moral reality, of personal religion.

What changed these very ordinary men (who were such cowards that they did not dare stand too near the cross in case they got involved) into heroes who would stop at nothing? A swindle? Hallucination? Spooky nonsense in a darkened room? Or Somebody quietly doing what He said He'd do - walk right through death? What do you think?

We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus, or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to an end of the sweet things that might be said of Him.

Recently somebody said, "Hey, you lost weight," and I said, "Yeah, thirty-five pounds and three and a half billion dollars." So I'm quite a bit lighter and more flexible than I was.

When it's over it should be over. When a man is no longer at risk, he loses touch. I think these fellows who think they have some long-term right to dignity and salary and expense accounts and company planes are all wrong. On December 21, 1963 I walked out of there and said that's it: no office, no secretaries. Nothing.

One shark turned to the other to say he was fed up chasing tuna and the other said, 'Why don't we go to Morecambe Bay and get some Chinese?'

He asked why and I said, 'Because Gwyneth has a fat suit, my wife has a fat suit - I don't get a fat suit?' He looked at me and said, 'You mean you don't have one on?'

Don't blame me. The devil made me do it, and the Lord said you have to forgive.

I am grateful for all those people who said no. It is because of them that I did it myself. Practice an attitude of gratitude. You can either be miserable dwelling on the troubles you have or grateful for the ones you don't have. Your troubles don't care but it makes a huge difference in your life.

It has often been said, and certainly not without justification, that the man of science is a poor philosopher.