What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!.

I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but ju….

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours..

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something..

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's l….

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'.

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had ….

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, ….

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift..

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like….

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart..

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippine….

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back ….

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a pa….

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice..

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running ….

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink..

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light….

If you're in California and it's raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified..

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick..

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'.