I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make ….

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped..

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for m….

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after….

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory..

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest..

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow….

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening..

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed famili….

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't ….

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me..

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah.….

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole..

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle..

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges..

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street..

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Ye….

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life..

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major..

They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. ….

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel..